You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize