im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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