you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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