that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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