Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
