Just cropdusted the office
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
