My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
