if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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