he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
