here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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