Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
