If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
