I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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