when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
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Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
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You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.