Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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