First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Did I turn a man straight...??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.