Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
