Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(254): View more from Texas

Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(813): View more from Florida

Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning

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(406): View more from Montana

There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.

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