Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize