I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
