you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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