If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
