Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
