That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
