I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
