Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
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you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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