T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
