as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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