This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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