glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I still have a little drunk in my system
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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