the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.