Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
