dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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