Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
