The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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