new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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