In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
