I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
