Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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