Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
