happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
