Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
