I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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