I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
