all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
