I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties