If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dating After Heartbreak
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on