remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.