you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis