Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
