Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
