Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
