the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't deserve a penis
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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