my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
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Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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