I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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