My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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