I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
