I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Congratulations! We have a period
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