Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
