I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
