If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
two words...techno handjob
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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