i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
