Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
