The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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