I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
